When Moses parted the Red Sea, out came Jan Crouch skipping down the center aisle with her two white dogs in tow and her cotton candy locks flowing in the wind. That's how the story really goes and somebody should tell the powers-that-be to update the Bible to reflect this!
Yesterday in NYC, the paparazzi captured the glorious images of the luminous Queen of the Trinity Broadcast Network, Jan Crouch, pushing her dogs in a stroller outside of her hotel. The mere mortal behind Jan is seconds away from handing over her pocket book (just go with me on this) before passing out into a dreamy coma where she'll imagine she's waltzing with mascara-covered tarantulas while unicorns queef out pink bubbles all around her.
I too have been there. I have spent many a drunk night watching TBN and hoping I could jump through the screen into the pink heaven about Jan's head. If you miniaturized yourself and jumped into Jan's hair, you'd probably find yourself falling out of a virgin angel's vagina up in heaven. Jan's hair is totally the portal to the heavens.
Yes, Jan would snatch a strawberry Jolly Rancher out of a hongray orphan's hands and melt it down to use as hair gel, but that's part of her charm! You have to leave a lot of orphans hongray to look that glamorous. And I'm not joking about the snatching food out of a child's hand:
Here's more of Jan out in NYC yesterday. It's as if Princess Lolly left Candyland for good and joined the Christian revival circuit as a Tammy Faye Bakker impersonator. Perfection.
If you can't get enough of this mess, please watch Jan's performance of a million lifetimes in NO MORE TEARS. It's all you need today. Gay Fish really needs to make a remix out of it.
Steven Spielberg
Cameron Diaz
David Letterman
LeBron James
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